my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
