Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
