Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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