Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
