My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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