I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
