I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize