I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
