I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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