I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
