In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
