He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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