3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I enjoy the company of your penis
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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