does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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