what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
