i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I AM VODKA MAN
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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