Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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