2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
