my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There r osticjed everywhere
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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