Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
