Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
