I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
