On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
