I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
