well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
