dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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