So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
kristin has been a bad kristin
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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