I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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