never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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