better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
