Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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