I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
