i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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