I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
