after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
