I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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