You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
