she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
