no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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