Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
