I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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