I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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