Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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