fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize