Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
