I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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