my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
