I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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