Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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