You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
