my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize