I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
