I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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