I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Randomize
