I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
