just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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