if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
