I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
