How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
